


To Have and To Hold

by ronnijade



Category: Christian Bale - Fandom, Joaquin Phoenix - Fandom
Genre: 90s, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:48:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23785795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronnijade/pseuds/ronnijade
Summary: Set in the early/mid-90's, Bobby Rivera is a gay college student who has battled with his sexuality for the majority of his life. Jordan Burke is his best friend, his rescuer, and his anchor; the one who keeps him afloat while drowning him all at once.
Relationships: Joaquin Phoenix/Christian Bale
Kudos: 4





	To Have and To Hold

December 25th, 1994  
It feels as if my heart has shattered into millions of little pieces. The walls are closing in on me and I have no where to run to. People watch and they're smiling and applauding as I sink into the darkness, but he's no where to be seen. I thought that we were in this together, that he wouldn't let the abyss swallow me whole, but I was wrong. I'm alone, and I always have been.

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"Hey, Bobby, do you want a drink?"  
Bobby Rivera barely heard Jordan Burke over the deafening noise of the sound system, a white strobe light illuminating his friends face as he looked up from the couch. His presence alone was enough to have the younger male smiling, yet the fact Jordan smiled back, genuinely smiled, warm and bright, had Bobby's heart beating hard in his chest.  
"Budweiser!" he called back, before his attention was stolen away from one of the girls they'd come to the club with. The truth was, Bobby hated clubbing, hated the inevitable attention he got from women. He often wanted to hide away from the world outside of his mind, for every day of his life Bobby pretended to be someone he was not, a desperate bid to try to convince himself that he wasn't this disgusting entity his parents had convinced himself of. But, Jordan had invited him, to celebrate the end of the school year, and Bobby would do anything to spend time with the man he had fallen in love with. 

"You look good tonight, Bobby..." Lauren had leaned over the table between the two of them, a wandering hand having found its way to his thigh, which made Bobby cringe. He cleared his throat, uncomfortable and awkward, lips parting to thank the girl he had no interest in whatsoever, before he felt a weight fall beside him, and a familiar voice that made him grin say, "You do look good tonight, Bobby. What is that?" Jordan sat a beer in front of the his friend, a teasing smile toying with Bobby's heartstrings. Jordan reached over and felt the material of his sweater between two fingers, not taking his gaze away from him once, and went on, "Calvin Klein?"  
"Oh, shut up," Bobby chuckled, suddenly appreciating the fact the nightclub was so dark, so that Jordan wouldn't spot how pink Bobby's cheeks were. "thanks." he lifted the beer in front of him, about to take a sip from it before Jordan hurriedly raised his glass -- a martini glass filled with a pale pink liquid and decorated with a silly miniature umbrella -- between the two of them.  
"Cheers, man. To the end of school!" Jordan beamed, though he did notice how Bobby's stare lingered on his fingers, pinching the stem of the cocktail glass, and he couldn't help but be amused.  
"To the end of school." Bobby grinned, meeting his friends hazel-eyed gaze, before clinking their two drinks together, and simultaneously drinking. 

The night moved fast, and between the two of them, they'd spent almost $100 on drinks alone. Bobby wasn't sure when they'd separated themselves from the rest of their group of friends, but he certainly wouldn't mention it nor complain -- he was having a fun night with Jordan, and Jordan could say the same thing. Even if Jordan didn't know, which Bobby was certain of, it was as if he could read him like a book.  
"Hey, handsome," a well-dressed, brunette girl had clung onto his shoulder at one point of the night. "can I steal you from your friend?" Before he could ever answer, Jordan had brushed her hand away from him, and thrown his arm over Bobby's shoulder.  
"No, you can't. Sorry doll!" and with that, Jordan had begun marching him over to the exit, a playful glint visible in his eyes every time the lights hit them. "You don't wanna mess around with the skanks in here, Bobby." Jordan assured him, as if he knew something he didn't, grinning. "Unless you wanna wake up with an itchy dick. You ready to ditch this place?"

Bobby hoped his friend hadn't noticed the way he grew tense when Jordan's lips brushed his ear, the two drawn close to find some refuge from the noisiness of the club. He also hoped he hadn't noticed how sad the idea of leaving and parting their two separate ways made him -- when would Bobby get to see him again? The start of school seemed a painfully long way away, and unless Jordan asked whether they wanted to hang out, for the emerald-eyed male knew he didn't have the courage within him to ask to spend time together, he was sure he wouldn't next see him until classes started once more. 

"Sure, Jordan! You wanna go halves on a taxi?" Bobby painted on his best grin, though really, he could feel his heart sinking.  
"No, I got it. You should come stay at my place! Have a few more beers, listen to some music?" And then shoot up into his chest again, as if it had been fired from a catapult. Now his grin was real, maybe too real, because his smile reached his eyes and made them crinkle at the corners of them, a crooked tooth he'd had since he was a kid peaking from the edge of his lips. "I take that as a yes, then?" Jordan laughed, playfully slapping Bobby's shoulder, having him stumble out into the cold midnight breeze. "Taxi!"

It all felt surreal to Bobby, who was in love with his friend, Bobby who was gay and on the verge of tears every time he thought about how he could never be with Jordan, this boisterous straight stud who he was pretty sure would beat his ass if he ever told him. But he would never tell him. He'd never tell anyone ever again, not after the type of response he'd got from his mom and dad, two people who would rather watch him burn alive than be happy. And as much as he tried to shake those thoughts from his mind, they continued to creep back, as they always did. So as he climbed into the back of the cab, staring right ahead at the back of the headrest before him, he began to wonder if staying at Jordan's place was such a good idea after all. He was inebriated already, and his head was beginning to spin and kick and scream about how much he adored his friend -- what if he let something slip? Bobby couldn't afford to lose Jordan. He was pretty certain he was the only thing keeping him alive. 

"You okay, bud'?" Jordan asked, voice soothing and soft and concerned. He reached over and draped his arm over his shoulder once more. Bobby tensed up, shoulders lifting ever so slightly, but enough for Jordan to notice. "You're awfully quiet over there."  
If there was any time to change his mind, to tell him he wanted to go home, it was then and there, but instead Bobby smiled, inwardly deciding tonight wasn't the night he'd spend at home alone, moping around about what could never be. Tonight was the night he was going to spend with-- "Aren't you ready to go and make some mistakes?"  
What had he just said? It had barely been a whisper, but he was sure he'd heard the words come out of his mouth. Bobby shot him a look, with wide eyes and an intangible rush of... fear? Excitement? Panic? Bobby couldn't quite place his finger on what he was feeling... coursing through his veins. But Jordan quickly relayed that look, hurriedly unwinding his arm from around him, as if he'd realised he'd just said something horrible, that maybe for once, he'd read Bobby wrong.  
"What?" Bobby practically choked out, suddenly confused and anxious.  
"I said, aren't you ready to go and cook some steaks? I got steaks, in the fridge," Jordan uttered coolly, pulling at the collar of his own shirt, before casually settling back into his seat. "I'm starving."  
Bobby continued to stare over at Jordan, who recognised the knowing glimpse in his eyes, and then he smirked. He smirked as if he knew. He smirked because he knew Bobby was a vegan, and he smirked confidently and charmingly, like he was silently telling his friend 'You heard me right.' Jordan cocked his head to the side, not once drawing his gaze away from Bobby. "Aren't you?"

**Author's Note:**

> If you want more Bobby/Jordan content, follow us on Twitter!  
> @siivercurls  
> @unclerami


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